Dominic Sandbrook's Index of the 1980s

The joy of indexes (contd.)

Regular readers may have seen my post on the weirdly hilarious indexes in Dominic Sandbrook’s histories of Britain in the 1970s, State of Emergency and Seasons in the Sun. Well, I’ve now made it through Who Dares Wins, Sandbrook’s enormous but at the same time enormously readable opus on the early 80s, and I’m pleased to report that it has an index every bit as splendid as its predecessors. In my last piece I tried to explain why I found this stuff so funny (and yet somehow more than funny):

The effect depends most obviously on Sandbrook’s eye for detail and his mordant turn of phrase, but it is surely heightened by the index form itself; the weird medley of items is made to seem all the more incongruous by our expectation of orderly analysis, logical arrangement . . . I found myself repeatedly laughing out loud at the biographical entries, with their apparently arbitrary (and yet always very apt) choice of particulars . . . there is something deeply surreal about the index as a whole . . . a faithful mirror to what we can all now agree was a very odd decade.

I still think that’s about right – and no less applicable to the decade of Adrian Mole, SodaStream, and of course Guess Who (“slacks, would look super in 61; talks to people as if their dogs have died 33”). But see what you think: I give you highlights from the index of Who Dares Wins, by Dominic Sandbrook.

Allen, Patrick (actor): advice on getting generous mortgages 29; advice on getting rid of irradiated bodies 39

Aston Villa: fans of annihilated by nuclear bomb 388

Austin Metro: 304-7

Avant Gardening: A Guide to One-Upmanship in the Garden 19

Baker, Kenneth: fan of Space Invaders 716-7

Beckett, Margaret: drips with venom 547

Benn, Tony: colleagues’ disobliging views of 345; Foot calls a bloody liar 415; Foot calls an unctuous hypocrite 530; jolly chat with Sir Keith Joseph on train 15; Lady Chatterley syndrome 345; living in a dream world 837; lunacy 344, 347, 366, 367; most misrepresented man since Robert Mugabe 540; as a Nazi 540, 542-3; potential Pope or Queen 550; succumbs to Julie Christie 396; succumbs to viral infection 535-7; thinks Callaghan is a Tory 788; thinks Foot is a Tory 349; thinks other Labour MPs are Tories 373; thinks SDP are fascists 426

Birmingham: hailed as most go-ahead city in Europe 254; obliterated by nuclear bomb 388

Bond, James: amused by thought of female scientist 66; impersonated by parrot 647-8

Botham, Ian: on changing nappies 622; personification of beef 655; punch-ups 634-5; saviour of his country 641-3

Bowie, David: ‘cunt in a clown suit’ 289

British Leyland: Two Ronnies’ view of 209

Broadwater Farm estate: 246

Callaghan, James: as a blancmange 355; computer pioneer 714; filmed swimming by Benn 354; harangued by lunatics 341, 349, 352-3, 366; such a nice man 372

Campaign for the Feminine Woman: 58-9

Carrington, Peter (6^th Baron): claims Sir Denis Fellowes is made of concrete 181

chicken Kiev: 124, 701

Clark, Alan: laments the end of Empire 13; desires to snog Thatcher 81; does not desire to penetrate Thatcher 81

CND: compared to Dungeons & Dragons 392; crucial failure to win over Simon Le Bon 432

Cymric Army: 552-3

Davis, Steve: improves weak handshake 492; plays Space Invaders 485; prefers snooker to sex 491

Diana, Princess of Wales: as Sloane Ranger 611; as Tatler’s Judge Dredd 615

dirty protest: 562

‘The Earth Dies Screaming’ (UB40): 398

economists: know 365 ways of making love 454; unfortunately don’t know any women 454

Edwardes, Michael: ‘first dwarf to be chairman of British Leyland’ 303; ‘very big man indeed’ 328

Eliot, T.S.: precursor to Duran Duran 296

England football team: expected to win European championships 207; fail to win European championships 207

fish fingers: 125

Foot, Michael: donkey jacket furore 550; ‘dress your own Michael Foot doll’ 551; falls off stage in Hull 551; reprimands Hattersley for abuse of Dorothy Parker 378; underpants 551; as Worzel Gummidge 378

France: betrays Britain in Third World War 397; intolerable haughtiness of politicians 175; shameful scorn for British food 137

Gilmour, Sir Ian: Miss World-style policy prescriptions 192

golliwogs: 505

Guardian: laments the decline of puddings 120; recommends peaches in gammon 126

Hattersley, Roy: lunches with boringly beautiful girls 302; world’s leading enthusiast for Sony Walkman 302

Healey, Denis: mocks teenager for reading book 375; regards Benn as utter ninny 345; on Toytown Trotskyists 353

Heath, Edward: assault on world grudge-holding record 40; failure to appear in Live and Let Die 648; not asked for spotted dick recipe 116; rumbles ominously 271; weird voice 33

Henderson, Sir Nicholas: lack of experience of industry 15; long experience of drinks parties 15

homes: horrible colour schemes 25-6

Hoskyns, John: complains Thatcher is a limited, pedantic bore 38; effing and blinding in front of Thatcher 650

Howe, Sir Geoffrey: ballsaching lecture by 194; doused with roast lamb and gravy 41; making love 454; world-class boringness 90

Intellectuals: deranged views about Falklands War 771-2; deranged views about Margaret Thatcher 335; deranged views about Top Girls 78-9; deranged views about tower blocks 248

It’ll be Alright on the Night: 693

Jenkins, Roy: as bon viveur 358-9, 424; frequents ‘Michelin two-stars’ 359; frequents other MPs’ wives 359; as one-man Switzerland 770; ‘sick, overriding passion for the Common Market’ 431; unable to boil an egg 424; ‘useless money and glory-grabbing’ 357

Joseph, Sir Keith: as Arthur Daley’s hero 312; as madman 149, 313, 325; as politics’ answer to Paddington Bear 326; pelted with missiles 149, 325; slaps own head 312, 313, 325; writhes with unhappiness 324

Junor, John: suggests Bennites should be locked up 544; would not send Bennites to gas chamber, though 554

Labour Party: baying of the beast 370; Botham’s disapproval of 633; electoral college shenanigans 354-5, 369-71, 381-2, 546; and imminent end of capitalism 340

‘The Land of Make Believe’ (Bucks Fizz): 702

Limehouse Declaration: 411

Livingstone, Ken: admiration for Princess Anne 600; body desired by Norman Fowler 595; newt-fancying 577, 587; non-attendance at orgy 588; views on Hitler and the Jews 573, 598-9

Lymeswold cheese: 135-7

Medium Term Financial Strategy: see MTFS

microwave cookery: 125-6

middle classes: as Bennite enthusiasts 359; Gary Kemp as recruit to 298; and rock critics 287-8; and sandwiches 127

mock-Georgian front doors: 238-9

Mole, Adrian: mother is sucked into feminism 58; overtly political fruit 336-7; views on nuclear war 39; views on Royal Wedding 607

‘Nice Video, Shame About the Song’ (Lufthansa Terminal: 300

nooves: 618-9

Official Sloane Ranger Handbook: 611

Owen, David: hair 362; talent for alienating people 362; Thatcher does not cross his mind 413; finds her whiff appealing beyond belief 82

Paul Daniels’ Magical Christmas: 693

Prior, Jim: erotic exploits 143; as Heath’s monkey 661; denounced by Thatcher as ‘false squire’ 144; impressed by Thatcher’s sexy voice 82; treats as annoying woman 80, 144-5

Protect and Survive: 393

puddings: 16

Reagan, Ronald: thinks Who Dares Wins a great film xxii

RM 380Z computer: 717

Robinson, Derek (‘Red Robbo’): MI5 plot against 317; pelted with rotten fruit 321

Rodgers, Bill: wears a jumper 412

Root, Henry: advises Margaret Thatcher against appointing bachelors or Oxford men 33; moved by news of Margaret Thatcher and Mary Whitehouse viewing pornography 86

rudeness: 6-7

‘Shadapp You Face’ (Dolce): 291

shopping malls: 699-700; longest lavatory wall in Europe 253

Social Democratic Party: fail to win support of the Human League 420; hand-job merchants 667; lounge lizards 427; Volvo people 428

SodaStream: 684

Steel, David: prepares for government 433

Tebbit, Norman: bicycle-riding father 663; as polecat 656

Thatcher, Margaret: admits she is not as kind as Jesus 43; clears up dog excrement 41; concern at prospect of being jerked off 35; confidence, lack of 40; cries with laughter 34; dancing 446; dramatic skills 34; first kiss 38; flirts with parrot 647-8; flirts with John Simpson 80-81; hideous birthday cake 269; imagines an opera about herself 57; insists you can see the moon and stars from Spalding 37; inspects an enormous tool 35; kisses Kevin Keegan 207; knickers 65; love of coronation chicken 118; love of Liverpool FC 2-6; love of snooker 496-7; philistinism, or lack of 36; regards ideas as so much Black Forest gateau 36; regards relaxing for its own sake as deranged 38; rejects idea of electrocuting Heath with cattle prod 189; romance with Emlyn Hughes 206-7; as Servalan 80; sex appeal 81-2; slacks, would look super in 61; smoothness, or lack of 89; talks to people as if their dogs have died 33; telephones James Bond 647; unlikely to invest in a pair of Levi’s 62; whips herself into a gigantic lather 151; works herself into a blazing fury 264

Tiswas: 503

Toynbee, Polly: disapproves of Brixton tower blocks 249; disapproves of Falklands War 771; disapproves of king-size prawns 127; disapproves of Majorca 165

trousers: as an assault on family values 59; blamed for rise of homosexuality 60; not worn by Margaret Thatcher 61

‘Video killed the Radio Star’ (Buggles): 300

villains: see double glazing

Volvos: see Social Democratic Party

Walker, Peter: dog is a hell of a fan of Lymeswold 134; dog responsible for Lymeswold shortage 135

West Germany: citizens steal from Spanish breakfast buffets 166

Williams, Kenneth: not a fan of black people 506; not a fan of CND 406; not a fan of Diana’s wedding dress 607

Williams, Shirley: denounced as a lover of chips 63

Wilson, Harold: couldn’t give a bugger about the Budget 195; press indifference to his fine-boned features 62

women: allegedly sillier and more aggressive 58; and snooker 497-9; in trousers 59-61

Youth Opportunities Programme (YOP): 470

ZX Spectrum computer: owners sneered at by George Osborne 709

If you enjoyed this post, you might be interested in my ebook The Whartons of Winchendon — a short study of one of the strangest families in English history, featuring incest, treason, deep-sea diving, fairies, and the self-proclaimed Solar King of the World.